Sick in the Brain

It’s no secret that alcohol abuse has taken people out and ruined many lives. If you know me well then you know that statement rings true and hits close to home for me. My purpose for wanting to share my drunk history is because there still seems to be a stigma around alcoholism and misunderstandings from lack of knowledge and judgment. Here’s my story about my relationship with alcohol…let’s start at the beginning shall we?

(a few things! for those of you who don’t know my family history. when I refer to my father/dad I am referring to my step dad.)

When it comes to partying and experimenting with drugs or alcohol I was considered a late bloomer. I didn’t drink until I was 18 and I didn’t smoke weed or try the hard party drugs until I was 21. Alcohol was my gateway drug and always has been considered a “drug” to me. Even in active addiction I understood that which is even crazy to admit out loud.

The first sip: When I first started drinking it was fun and it took away all of my worries, anxiety, self doubt, and morals. It gave me courage, confidence and bravery. It was the only thing that made me “normal” in my mind. After graduating high school I was basically on a mission to make up for lost time and party like it was my job. I went to college for cosmetology and ended up getting a job at a restaurant/bakery called Marie Calendars. I thought I had all the answers at 18 and that I knew everything. I fought with my parents a lot and got into more trouble because I didn’t want to go to church anymore or follow their strict rules. I wanted to live my life the way I wanted to. The rules were simple but I didn’t care. I didn’t seem to have a say in the matter anyways because women didn’t have an opinion in our household. If we did we were shamed for it. My dad ended up kicking me out of the house when I was 20 years old. I couch surfed for a couple weeks and then rented a room from a family friend until I could find something else closer to my work.

The wreckage: I’m sure you could only imagine how angry of a person I was at that point. I’m almost 21 years old. Not speaking to my parents. Struggling with life. I was sheltered for most of my years under their roof so when I turned 18 I lost control because I didn’t know how to function independently. I had no clue what the real world was like. I also didn’t respect any sort of authority because of the lack of respect I received from my father. So, I’m angry and drinking like a true winner does. Miraculously, I still held down my job and went to school to get my cosmetology certificate. At that point I was functioning but hardly. I ended up partying in crowds that were horrible for me. I put myself in shitty situations and made myself vulnerable. Consequently I was drugged and sexually assaulted at the age of 20 by someone at a party. I woke up with hardly any memory of the night. I remember drinking two drinks and then it got hazy. I’m sure you’re thinking, “WOW, I hope she quit for awhile at that point or at least went to the police.” Ummmm no. I did neither of those things. Absolutely not. Why quit when you’re ahead am I right?? And I did not wish to speak on it because I didn’t really remember it happening. I was told the event and had a couple blurry memories but that was all. I drank heavily for months after that and switched up my scenery by partying elsewhere. It’s so bizarre how our brains choose what to put in front of us because I literally just carried on. I wanted to forget that night and a few other nights I was used by men. However, I mostly wanted to forget that night in particular because there was no recovery from what he stole from me. Don’t worry I keyed his motorcycle years later when I ran into him at a bar. 🙃

*clears throat* where was I? Ahhh yes, “forgetting.” I succeeded at that for A LONG time. It was tucked away in the back of my mind for later, years later. I didn’t really talk about it at all because of the fear of someone saying something demeaning like “well you should not have been there or maybe you shouldn’t have drank that night.” or just flat out not believing me. Not to mention the shame that went with it. I did not deserve that to happen to me regardless. And fuck anyone who says anything different. The pain I carried was buried (or so I thought) and I just wanted to move on. Obviously the alcohol was making it worse but I didn’t see it that way at the time. It prolonged my healing process not only from that but from other romantic relationships that went on and off during those 3 years (18-20).

The light: Just to be a straight shooter here, not all of my memories with alcohol were bad. I did have glimmers of light and good times and a lot of laughter with good people. Some of whom are still in my life today. I’m grateful for those and when I got sober this last time I had to mourn the loss of those times as well because I knew it all had to come to an end. And the past stays where it is. I think it’s super important to not demonize the past. Or where you’ve been. I had great times and I had bad times. That’s all there was to it but I also am making the wise choice today to hang up the towel. It’s taken me a long time to get to the point of not thinking poorly of myself or my drinking or partying career. I have some crazy ass funny stories but they’re also INSANE. Like only an alcoholic can share these types of stories because normies don’t have the stories I do!

intermission: I could go on and on about ALL the reasons why I drank. But I won’t. I drank for many reasons, good and bad. However, One of the things to keep in mind is I didn’t need a fucking reason. My brain is compulsive and one was never enough. It’s the “ism.”

The end: I quit drinking for the first time in February of 2014 and I remained abstinent from booze for almost 5 years. Late 2019 was when I started drinking again because I was surrounded by people who did where I worked and I wasn’t working my program anymore. I was in denial about it at first because I only drank on occasion and then 2020 hit and all hell broke loose. Being given “free money” from the government and being locked up inside our house was the worst option for a troublesome booze hound like myself. A lot of old trauma come back to the surface. A lot of old wounds came back to haunt me. A lot of current wounds as well weren’t helping me at all either with my dad and other relationships. I was drowning for what felt like 3 years. I felt alone and knew what I was doing to others and to myself and I didn’t care. Because the sickness in my brain told me not to worry about it. I think 2022 was when I really started scaring myself and was drinking to excess and often. The consistency was wild. Like drinking as if it was a sport. I also noticed that ALL of my relationships had been going to shit and that truly made me sad yet I wanted to drink more. I know, insane. For a normie this doesn’t make any sense. And that’s the part of the compulsive act and mental insanity that led to my ultimate decision to quit forever. I was so tired of hurting, I was so tired of being a big ol’ disappointment, I was so tired of waking up angry, I was tired of being fucking tired. I hated who I had become and desperately wanted to love myself and I knew I couldn’t keep going on this merry go round. I hit my own bottom.

What I have learned about addiction is that it has no favorites. It doesn’t care how old you are. It doesn’t care what your gender or sexual orientation is. It does not give a shit about your skin color. It does not care if you have a family, kids, house etc. Statistically speaking, if you have family or ancestors who suffered drug or alcohol addiction the chances those genes carry to you are near 60%. Alcoholism and addiction has ran in my family for more years than I can count. My mother has 40 years of sobriety and my step dad has near that amount too. I grew up in a sober home yet here I am! With that being said, I suffer from the mental compulsion or urge to drink alcohol which ultimately creates an allergy in the body and starts the deterioration process. It is a whole cycle of events that never fucking ends until you admit you are powerless and quit. I knew I could not get to the places I wanted to go or be the person I needed to be for my family if I stayed in that relationship with alcohol. And that’s why I called this Sick in the Brain, it’s fucking mental!!! I am proud to say, It stops here with me. I break this curse that’s been bestowed upon my family. I know my birth father and grandparents are proud. And they are with me everyday in spirit. 🥹 I now have a second chance at becoming the woman, wife, mother, friend and leader that I strive to be. I am thankful for my husband, my mother, my friends and you, the reader. I appreciate all of your support.

Well, I think I wrote enough for now, I hope I brought some awareness to you today about the disease itself. My testimony speaks pretty loudly about how insane it is to have the “ism.” This has been super therapeutic for me to write. Thank you for reading.

xxo Steph

Ps I have 7.5 months free of alcohol!

Deal

I’m sure you’re wondering, “who does she think she is? Why does she always write about healing and what hurt her?” Well, because I can Karen! And It helps me rid myself of these doom thoughts, anxiety and intense emotions with attachment. Listen, I don’t have a degree. What I do have, is experience and issues caused by psychological trauma.

🙂🙃🙂 don’t we all?

I mean, We all have something 😉

To be honest I don’t need a fucking degree to tell you that our parents, friends, humans in general will fail us. I don’t need school to tell you we will fail ourselves either. I don’t need a fucking degree to share my thoughts on healing from such things. Sometimes we don’t get to choose what happens to us or around us but we can choose how we deal and how to handle our stuff later in life. We are dealt such baggage sometimes, we gotta learn how to pack and unpack it properly. Not to mention, in healthy ways. I have not chosen wisely as far as “dealing” in the past. My whole thing these days is just being aware. Being aware that I’m hurting. Maintaining awareness throughout my journey. And what not to do when I hurt. You know, How to cope properly.

Some things I ponder…Why don’t they have school on shitty parents? Or school on how to cope with friends who stab you in the fucking back? Why don’t they have school for broken hearts? Or for partners who take full advantage of your kindness? Or for people who gaslight every situation to make you feel fucking insane? Isn’t that a serious question? Why don’t they? Why don’t they have school for people who are wondering why people they love hurt them? Or why we do the things to hurt others we love? I’m not speaking of Psych 101 class, I’m talking, real issues here, like life issues.

If those questions aren’t something you’re thinking about maybe you should start thinking about them. If you’re a young adult, please start learning these things. Heck, even sooner than that. Get to know yourself. I’m just a 30 something year old with some shit on my mind. And it’s a lot. I know. I am a seeker at heart. I am a pondering gal. I will always ask questions and wonder. I will always be on that journey. The journey of life’s purpose and how to help myself and others “deal” with it. That is part of my personal life purpose and a major one! Actually….Maybe my whole damn purpose, now that I actually type this. And have pondered it. It’s crazy to think about it. Because it seems so big; larger than life.

Some final advice…Question yourself, everyone else and everything. Don’t feel shame about feeling your feelings. And never back down from your passions or life purpose. Spend this life figuring out what truly makes you, you.

Xxo Steph

metamorphosis

Lets talk rebirth, regeneration, and metamorphosis shall we? With all of those fancy ass words….here comes the part we don’t want to deal with. Heal and recover. They say, with healing comes clarity right? The healing and loving yourself? Having confidence? Loving others? Not being judgmental? That too, Is all going to be over soon…yes?

“soon” is definitely a massive understatement. Nothing on this journey we live is in a steady straight line. Nothing is cute and fluffy. People out there broadcasting this love and light bullshit has clearly never come to terms with the REAL healing it takes to go dark. Lurk in your own shadow for a while and lets talk to those people after they return from the fucking deepest and darkest parts of their soul. We shall see how much love and light they preach after that. I swear social media and the fucking Kardash hoez among many other influencers out there make it sound like its a new age type of trend which sadly has now been glamorized. I sound like a grump but I don’t care, and I know I am not the only one who feels this way especially in the occult or spiritual community. I hate this part of social media and how people can spread such misinformation on such a serious thing. I’m 36 years old now and still gaining new perspectives constantly. My point here is, coming from my personal experiences, trauma, loss, and ego deaths, one must learn to balance the light with the dark parts of self. To put it bluntly how to be a fuckin human after life kicks you in the ass.

Lets talk duality. It is the major key in all of this. The sooner one learns this the better off you’ll be. Accepting we all have two parts to ourselves will make it easier to handle your life after shit hits the fan. Learn to love the darkest shadowy parts of yourself in order for you to be the light for others. In my opinion, admitting you have the shadowy parts are somewhat the aspects which make you authentic. Those parts are not pretty, however, most of us who are honest with ourselves can relate and admit to those parts…and guess what? That makes you human and then boom!!! Besties!! We are one!!! Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable or allow others to help you through the parts of your life that you may not see a way out of. Therefore, What I have found that resonates a lot is to embrace duality rather than resist. Resisting may only prolong your healing. Healing from trauma or any sort abuse can take years and you really have to be ready for it. I personally have been healing and reliving some of my past yet I thought I was done with those situations or things that almost broke me. Need I mention these things happened years ago!? The human brain blocks it out until you’re literally ready to move through it. However, here I am still moving through it and more cringe memories come back. THAT is what makes this metamorphosis disgustingly hard. So, fuck off to the social media accounts swearing unicorns jump out of your ass while awakening. Seriously? *hurl*

Going through such a metamorphosis is not as simple as I make it sound either, however, I am simply coming from an open heart. If you know me or have been around here on this blog awhile, you know the tip of the ice berg of what i have gone through. Some stories I have only told like 3 people because i do not wish to unlock THAT beast yet. That is My choice and my right. Someday maybe when I am brave enough I shall open that section. I feel like the entire decade of my 30’s is dedicated to growth. And it has been just that and then some. So many blessings throughout all of this heal and recover chapter as well. It’s not ALL hard or painful. *sigh* What a time to be alive, am I right? I am hoping you, the reader, can relate to this and feel comfortable talking about the things you thought broke you. maybe try asking yourself…

• “what are the things/situations that still haunt my dreams?

• “who was hurt through a situation you caused?”

• “in what ways were you wronged as a child? How did you feel then?" How do you feel now about that situation?”

• “What triggers you? Who triggers you? Why do you think that is?”

So something that triggers me sometimes is the term “daddy issues” Why? because when people say it its usually in an insensitive matter and none of the daughters out there (like me) deserved that nor do we deserve that type of “title.” So, no, I do not care for the term or anything surrounding that. What I have found that helps is to mediate on the triggers because sometimes our brains get in the way and react instead of properly handling the triggering situation simply due to trauma response. Some other ways to deal is to write them down. Sometimes I even burn them after getting it out on paper in a ritualistic manner or keep it inside your journal. Last year i had a note pad that i dedicated to my rebirth and every single page was taken and written all over. As spirits in a meat suit we carry all the baggage around with us and inside our bodies. Different chakras may be affected due to different types of abuse. If you don’t write, may i suggest dance or any sort of micro meditation

With ALL of that being said, I have been nudged by my higher self and spirit to help, guide, and maybe lend a hand if needed. In doing so, sharing parts of my story and being truly authentic is how i do help others for nothing in return. Everything I shared has helped tremendously so I hope this helps you. It pays off a lot to invest in yourself as long as you make that commitment to bettering yourself and generations to come after you. You are the only one who really has your back in all you do. Yes, you may have supportive friends, family, partners and trust me, those people are needed. However, YOU do the work, you put in the hours and money behind healing yourself. YOU actually put yourself back together again. Don’t ever forget where you came from yet look forward with new eyes and maybe a new lens.

xxo Steph

loss of self

I’m sure most of you have read my previous stories which are real. No fiction here. This story my story about trauma, pain, and healing. Enjoy!

After leaving such relationships or removing myself from certain people from my life, I literally had nothing left to the person you know, who wrote this. Nothing left to my entire being. I wasn’t even lost at that point. Lost to me, would mean, I remembered who I was at some point throughout the mental, verbal abuse, c-ptsd and pain. That phase? Gone. But before we get to that….

The lows of the beginning of the abuse started when I was young. I felt a lot of shame for being the girl I was. When I was a young girl, I was Funny, happy, a go getter, hyper, sarcastic, playful and laughing was my job and I was always joking. When I was a child I was constantly misunderstood and silenced. Family meetings just turned into “him” barking at us and for us to shut the fuck up and listen. Instead of just having a simple conversation, he was on stage and talking at us until we were nothing. Hmmm I Wonder why I have problems speaking on my issues? Or speaking my emotions into existence? Keep reading. Teen years were relatively the same. I just felt even more dismissed, ignored, and misunderstood than before. However, I found salvation through my dance studio because with dance I would be able to move in rhythm without speaking a word. No one on the planet will understand what it meant to get on stage and perform. It makes me emotional, still. Sigh* moving on to my early twenties. Those were were a mess. I no longer danced. I no longer had an outlet. I was a superficial shell of myself. All I cared about was the next party, outting, or get together. I could never be alone because that would mean my brain would be on fire with feelings and emotions I didn’t want to deal with. I drank my sorrows and found shitty men. Not all were bad, the good ones I didn’t know what to do with because I was a toxic young 20 year old. Some of the people I hung out with at that time were not great for me either. I made bad choices and absolutely could’ve died. No joke, my ancestors and angels were with me during those reckless times saving me but shaking their damn heads! 

Fast forward- After some relationships that seemed all too similar to my narc father, I ended up losing everything about myself. Family members were even concerned for my well being. The pure and utter sorrow I felt for myself and the future with my child was so fucking heavy at that time. I can’t even put words very well. So bare with me. I thought I would never feel love. That feeling was just never for me I thought. I also thought I would never give love because how could I? The feeling of being in love and truly cared for without an agenda was no longer something I thought possible. I was so deep into depression and major anxiety disorder which was a complete nightmare. All I wanted was to be was a good mother to my son and in order to do so I had to put myself through therapy and go on meds. Which also did not happen over night. It took time and to get rid of the stubborn attitude and selfishness because I no longer only had me to worry about. I didn’t want to go to a therapist but I was on autopilot and at that time I had no other choice. Once on meds, I found yoga and practiced several days a week which I believe saved me in some major ways. In addition to yoga, I found journaling once again ** and reading tarot cards to go deeper into divination and it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done for myself as a whole person. To add to my healing journey, my spiritual path working with deities has been such a blessing to start working on my shadow and come to terms with the darker side of self. As far as Loved ones? I came back in contact with with friends again who were able to forgive me for disappearing on them for years on end because I didn’t feel good enough to leave the damn house.  Once being released from the narcs invisible grip**... guess what? I started looking like myself again. I started laughing at stupid shit again. I started giving zero fucks AGAIN. The girl my close friends knew, who would make Wookiee calls at busted grenades walking into bars...that was me. The funny girl. I was returning to Stephanie Fucking Danielle. And it felt good. Still does.

I didn’t start acknowledging the fact I had been abused in such ways until I turned 30. And now I’m 35. It’s a long road but I’m fucking ready for it. And I’m happier than ever before. For the record I DID find real love and what that actually feels like and I know now that I deserve it. I also know now how to love and it is so good. In the simplest terms. So good.

Long story short it took years to get to where I am today. And to think I’m only on the tip of the iceberg of my healing journey is nuts! I’m proud of myself and if you’ve lived any sort of life like mine with a narcissist, you have my love and support. I’ve had about 20 years of that type of abuse in my life. It’s a long recovery, but oh so worth it!!! Much love.

(Consider this a series….my next story will have more details on situations I had encountered or gone through.)

PS This may sound pathetic but until you live with a narcissist, or are in a romantic relationship or were raised by one? Please don’t speak on the matter or have an opinion about this topic or my life.

(**invisible grip happened long before I actually physically removed myself from a few different people. I needed the emotional and mental strength before literally leaving.)

(**journaling and writing poetry since I was 12! I still have those journals and poetry books. When I feel my lowest, I write. I started my blog inspired by inner child.)

give thanks

To the winds that blow us all in different directions and guide us on each new path.

thank you for change.

to the rain which falls ever so violently, thank you.

you remind us we are human and have roller coaster emotions and that’s ok.

to the sun, he shines oh so bright for us to remember we deserve to smile.

to the moon, the mysterious, beautiful, and powerful.

she lights up the evening sky to guide and lift you up when in the darkest moments in life when you feel alone in this world. Appreciate her.

to all the stars scattered throughout the blanket like sky who resemble our lost loved ones.

thank you for always listening and leading me on my magical spiritual journey.

give thanks.

facade

Man, that devil on my shoulder...

He gets me into trouble. He tells me to say or do things I’ll later regret. He wants me, as a whole, to feel like trash. And be beneath him. The devil on my shoulder is miserable so he wants me to feel miserable too. “Misery loves company.”

On the contrary, the guardian angel on my left…

she is pleasant, she resembles Glinda from the Wizard of Oz. I know she’s a witch but hey a good witch like her is a guardian angel in my eyes. She tells me sweet things or sweet nothings. Some of which don’t seem real or they seem too good to be true. The guardian angel in this story wants the purest version of me and wishes me true happiness for eternity. Sitting here, thinking about their constant committee meetings and battles in my headquarters upstairs....It’s hard to figure out who to follow...or if there can be a balance of sorts? Hmm. 

The devil on my shoulder…

Wants me to feel the deepest of pain and hurt people closest to me because the devil wants me alone and unlovable. The devil on my right, wishes me ill will and wants me to feel jealous and envious of others.

However, the guardian angel on my left, tells me to give the benefit of the doubt and give people second or third chances but just don’t allow yourself to be walked on. And to be compassionate even when you do not wish to play nice with people who’ve once hurt you.

It’s honestly the most difficult when these two entities in our mind are in limbo. Our brain simply cannot choose. It’s toxic being in that state of indecisiveness because most of the time (in my experience) aggression, stress, fear, and anxiety come out the most during that time. And those aren’t necessarily positive. The brain is so powerful, it can literally create an alternate ending to your day or story in a matter of minutes. Maybe even seconds. Your mind can create problems that are not present in your reality. Mind blowing, I know. And pretty fucking exhausting.

The devil on my shoulder…

pours poison into my body and wants me to feel horrendous pain. Torture. Abuse. But also wants me to live to tell about it. Why? Because why else? If I  live, that means I am damaged. I have baggage now without a glimmer of hope that i will ever recover and be what I once was before. And sometimes he wins. The devil on my shoulder wants me jaded...

The angel on my left….

wishes me care, self help and some sort of trauma healing. However necessary she feels it to be. She wants me to be the best most powerful me ever. She wants me to rise to the top like a beautiful Tulip and overcome any struggles I may have had in my life. If the devil knocks me down, The angel tells me to get the fuck up and keep going because you have a team. A team that will be by your side until you’re dying day. Buck up bitch, you ain’t going nowhere...

So, my friends, do you have this kind of committee? Or conscious? A duality within? Or devil/angel pair? How do you go about dealing with their battles? Is it possible to create somewhat of a balance? Can we all live with this duality inside of us??

////////

The answer is a simple yes. There is a balance and order. Duality is necessary. After all we’re human. Don’t run from your own duality. Embrace the many things about you. Learn from mistakes when the devil on your shoulder knocks you down. And just so you are aware, I have yet to perfect this but my intentions are pure and I will follow my guardian angel, Glinda, to the ends of the earth and pray to the gods until I do know how to create a fluid balance to my existence.

xxo

Stephanie Danielle

trauma bond. it’s a thing.

Hey there fam! Sooooo this topic is a bit heavy so bear with me here. My hopes are to help, inform, relate, and maybe give advice from my experience and personal journey on recovery from narcissist abuse. Let me start off by asking this question. Have you ever had difficulty leaving someone who was clearly toxic for you? Or distance yourself? Whether it be someone you were dating? Married? Parent? Caregiver? Or Friend? Well, let me tell you, you’re not alone if your answer is yes. In a way, I have had difficulty separating myself from someone who should be a person to rely on. Unfortunately, Ive had a couple people in my life who I’ve experienced a lot of trauma and misery with. (HAD past tense.) BUT I don’t really want to get into all that mess! If you wish to know more about my trauma related relationships see previous blog post! Now, let me explain to those who don’t know anything about trauma bond and how insanely real it is.

Trauma bond is simply emotional abuse often confused for love and is easy to overlook. For instance, the abusers are often very charming and overly confident and very pleased with themselves. In addition, they often put on a masquerade as someone who’s actually caring for you. TB often refers to an attachment bond created through repeated abuse either in childhood experiences or in other relationships. Most victims internalize which in turn creates codependency. In my situations, this in particular, made me feel like I was constantly not good enough, I suffered from constant self doubt, I couldn’t do anything right, and I was nothing without this person(s). (I’m not quite over that part yet and am still in recovery.) Therefore, majority of the time the abuser will justify their actions which in turn causes the victim to blame themselves. The victim usually stays in the relationship or keeps in contact with the toxic human due to fear of abandonment BECAUSE they feel like they’re not good enough. They’ve been broken down emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. You see the cycle yet?? Another thing to keep in mind is, people bond over many things; for instance, having kids, going on vacations, eating together, sleeping together, stressful situations etc. not all bonding is positive. And sometimes the trauma bond or negative bond is harder to break away from because of the intensity and non stop roller coaster or “love bombing” which follows every negative event. (My childhood and adolescent years were like riding ghost rider the rollercoaster. It was such a bumpy ride.) On the contrary, my childhood wasn’t all bad with this person, we did have some good times and I was blessed in some ways. Yet, I will never know if any of that was genuine or if it was indeed part of the “love bombing” process. To put this simply, Love bombing simply means, the abuser makes up for their “abuse” with buying you things or doing something insanely nice for you which causing such confusion yet you’re blinded all at the same time. In my experiences the people who took advantage or abused me were one or two of these types of narcissists. According to the DSM-IV (1) which is the psychology bible. I’ll briefly cover all 6 types of narcissists. 1.) Covert narcs - are people who may not be very obvious. They may be shy or anxious. They tend to be master manipulators, selfish, and have a grandiose sense of self. 2.) boomerang narcissist - is someone who doesn’t have much to offer their partner yet the codependency allows the narc to come back and forth. These ones usually have multiple partners. 3.) cerebral narcissist - is someone who thinks they are superior and better than. They tend to put down others who they feel are not as good as they are. 4.) somatic narcissist - is usually consumed by their appearance and beauty. They live at the gym. They thrive on others constantly recognizing their appearance. They often have many sexual conquests. 5.) overt narcissist - are usually controlling, always right, have major expectations, major egos and have zero guilt and no remorse. (I know a few people just this.) 6.) parasitic narcissist - exhibit all traits in the DSM-IV but wants to be taken care of and feeds off the host (significant other mostly or closest person to them) this type hardly ever wants any responsibility. They need a partner who will be the bread winner.

Wow. Whew! That was a lot! I know. I needed to explain them though for you to better understand. And to understand how psychologically fucked up it is to live with someone like that and how difficult it is to have a any type of a healthy relationship with.

If you are like me and have fallen victim to someone like this, get out! I do not care what you have to do. Or if you know someone like this or know someone who is going through this kind of situation. Pass along this information. Please. And the best thing you can do for this person, is support them and be there for them. I can’t tell you how much I needed my friends during the thick of it all. You know who you are. Secondly, if you cannot get away because the abuser is dangerous or is your parent and you are underage, or just stuck, just know the vicious cycle it is not your fault or your problem. Thirdly, find help, support groups, journaling and/or therapy! (There are plenty of support groups on Facebook.) All of these saved me. Please remember, true love and care for someone should not have you feeling empty, drained, low self esteem, low self worth or mentally and emotionally exhausted and/or depressed. True love means you feel loved while expressing yourself, loving yourself, and finding yourself. True love is unconditional. True love doesn’t have you second guessing where you stand all the damn time. True love in any relationship shouldn’t cause you pain. Also, You shouldn’t feel the need to search for love to be okay with yourself.

Major key: let go of trying to fix, heal, or change the abusers behavior. Move on with your darn life! You deserve way more and you have to love yourself first. In like manner, let go of waiting for the narcissist to change, care, love, or admit to anything they may have done. KNOW THIS///they are 100% unable to do any of those things if indeed they are any one of those narc types listed above. I’ve done enough research and spent my childhood and adolescence trying to have a relationship with my father and praying he would change. And praying he would accept me for me. Never happened and still hasn’t happened. All research, experience, and trauma has taught me he will never ever be different. And I am finally ok with that. ;)

I hope this wasn’t too grueling or snoozy for y’all. I hope you may have learned something or may be able to help your self or one of your loved ones 🖤 please share.

xxo Steph

some books and social media pages I recommend…

Goddess Warrior Training by HeatherAsh Amara (this book is for women obviously and doesn’t focus on narcissism. It’s about how to embrace the warrior you truly are. And helps you build confidence.)

Empath A complete guide for developing your gift and finding your sense of self by Judy Dyer

Gena De Silva PhD on Instagram. Her page is worth following. Her focus is how to recover from the abuse.

She also has an Ebook called Sleeping with a Spider, Available on her page.

1) DSM-IV is where I initially learned most of the characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder.

psychcentral.com I received a lot of helpful information as well.

This

As this year comes to a close.

And with recent reflections in mind.

I’ve come to a conclusion about life.

I’ve had an epiphany, if you will.

Which is to Embrace the good times.

All of them.

Let go of the bad times.

Yes, All of them.

learn the lessons from the bad and take precious moments from the good.

No resentments. Don’t hold onto shit.

Otherwise, you’ll be covered in shit.

Yup. I said Shit.

Make conscious decisions with your future in mind. be less impulsive. Think more long term.

You’re not going to stay “27” forever ;)

if you only live for now, how do you prepare for your future?

dont get it twisted though, enjoy your life and the people surrounding you. They could be taken from you at any moment. Without warning.

Love without condition.

Say no to things that can literally kill you in an instant. Don’t pour poison into your body and expect to live.

If you feel depressed or lost in life, call me.

I’ll be there. Seriously.

Or call anyone for that matter. Even if you think they won’t care. Chances are, they do. And they’ve been waiting for that call. Don’t hesitate.

My point is? Live this life you’re living and breathing right now...fully aware and with intention. Every move.

Take care.

Xxo 

for show

I never really sat down and thought about how my upbringing would effect my relationships and the choices surrounding them. I mean, I knew it would, I just didn’t sit around thinking about it. I am currently 33 and I’m really starting to figure that out. In a previous post I talked about how my parents split up and how angry I kind of was with my dad for his decisions. Well, this all ties together now. Furthermore, he’s a true narcissist so let’s get that out of the way right now. Which explains why I chose those type of men to date in my past. (We’ll get back to that.) I never really paid attention to how my father treated me while growing up or even in my early adulthood years. I just thought he was a dick. For instance, He would always dismiss me when I would speak, which totally explains why I’m so passionate when speaking at times. When I feel like I’m not heard, my passion is mistaken for aggression or defensiveness. (The sooner anyone figures that out about me the better it is for everyone lol.) Another thing, he would put on a big show for everyone at get-togethers but then would hardly to speak to any of us at home when we were all alone. It’s almost as if he was the main event and a total show off in front of guests. My father would also always complain about not connecting with me. Which is fucking ironic. Why would I want to? He wasn’t a safe place for me to go to. He made that clear. My father would also do really generous things for us and then use them against us. (By us I mean, my mother and sister.) In addition to having a father like that, I ended up with an ex just like him. Go figure huh? The ex was a bit different though; extremely manipulative, a liar, sneaky, would never allow me to have privacy, alienated me from friends and family, extremely controlling with my phone, people I talked to, and where I went. He was very judgmental as well. The list goes on and on. He’s an ex for a reason. I’m glad he’s back there. With that being said, all of those types of personality characteristics and flaws have molded me in a way. I’ve blocked some out, dealt with some issues and am still struggling with the rest. Being the empath I am, made it harder for me. When I left him a few years back, I wasn’t completely Stephanie anymore. I was a shell. I had no clue who I was. It’s crazy to me how fucked up I was psychologically, my spirit crushed, and soul utterly destroyed. I Was exhausted. On the contrary, I’ve made one hell of a comeback from all of that pain, anxiety, depression, ptsd and drama. I’m not 100% yet, and still have some left over trauma to be dealt with. On the other hand, i’m a Fucking fighter and I understand that my past has made me struggle in ways unimaginable. Equally important are the things I’ve learned. Firstly, is to speak up and use the god given voice I have. Secondly, I’ve learned to set boundaries with people early on. Lastly, remind myself that not everyone is going to hurt me like they did. My goal is to become more self aware and conscious about my surroundings and to live in the present.
xxo TIL next time….if you’ve been in my shoes I’m here for you.

minding my own meltdown.

Do you ever have a day where every person you come in contact with effects your mood? Like every person gets under your skin? Well, I can tell you, YES that happens to me far too often. Sometimes I have to remind myself that everyone’s attitude is not my problem. It is not a reflection of me, at all. On the other hand, I’m super sensitive and tend to allow other peoples shit to effect my vibe and my entire being. It’s unacceptable. And quite frankly I’m tired and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not going to allow this to happen any longer. It’s my issue and my fault for allowing the suffering. I have to take my power back. As of late, I am in mood swing misery. I have to constantly tell myself, “as an empath, one has to learn to observe rather than absorb.”

Along with being an empath, I am also extremely intuitive. Maybe they go hand in hand? Sometimes I feel things before they happen. Other times, my body gets physically ill when I enter an enviroment that’s a not so positive one. An intuitive mind such as mine is not a blessing yet a curse. A woman such as myself knows things others may not pick up on or cannot explain. The blessing comes with what I do with my power. I always listen and feel my body as it tunes in to certain vibrations.

On the last full moon, August 15th, I took that time to really reflect and think. I meditated while burning some white sage and set my intentions. I mean doesn’t everyone spend their full moons that way? (haha)My heart and brain basically came to the consensus…I have to really start taking better care of me. To not have every little thing or person (stranger or not) get in the way of my peace. My consciousness and awareness is pretty crystal clear right now and I know exactly how to move forward. Good things are coming and like I said before, ‘one has to learn to observe rather than absorb.’

xxo Steph

Me, She, and Her.

My universe, it has molded who I have become

which remains constant in only one thing, change.

My universe has made me, exactly who I am.

Not to mention my surroundings and who I have allowed in.

The ones who clearly weren’t worthy of my soul any longer,

unfortunately did not make the cut but are more than welcome to

sit back and enjoy the show.

The bright side?

My universe is ever so changing and now consists of who I have allowed to stay.

And what I am willing to tolerate.

Each day I morph into the “me” I am growing to be.

I am allowing change, welcoming love, spreading peace, sharing laughs, indefinite growth with a sprinkle of crazy, sexy, cool. (TLC reference.)

I am no longer afraid of who I really am.

I truly love myself and allow myself to be completely and unapologetically Stephanie.

Life.

I never thought I would see the day my mother and the father who raised me get a divorce. I honestly just didn't see it coming. As a matter of fact, no one I know saw it coming either. At times its pretty painful. Call me a cry baby or what have you but I loved my parents together.  Most people do too, right?? I looked up to their marriage and friendship they once had. In addition to the pain I carry, coming to the realization holidays are going to be different, birthdays will be different, and not to mention my upcoming wedding will be different. Its just a strange thing to go through as an adult. Along with those changes I've had to explain to my six year old son why Nana lives in another house which, by the way, was not an easy conversation to have. I don't think a lot of people stop and think of who is affected by a divorce...but...every single person is affected one way or another.

Needless to say, it has been a whirlwind of a couple years for me and my family. In the last two years I have loved, lost, and gained. Wanna know the short version?? I lost two of my grandparents within a few months of each other and my parents of 23 years called it quits. However, I on the other hand, have found a real love that I will never give up on. I gave birth to a perfect little girl, I got engaged, I started a new business and began my blog journey for the public to view! I'd say at this point in time I can handle anything!! Bring it on universe, seriously, bring it! You're probably wondering what my point is? :)

My point is this, life is full of twists and turns. YOU do not have control as to what goes on around you. However, what YOU do have control over is how to cope, react, heal, and live your life. For instance, I could be a bitter "man hater" for how my father handled everything with the divorce but I choose not to. I accept what happened and accept him for exactly who he is whether I agree with his choices or not. I'm happy for my mother to be living a peaceful life and channeling her inner Van Gogh. I'm also happy for my father, as well; he seems content in his life too. I could be down in the dumps thinking of my grandparents not being here anymore but I don't. My grandmother had dementia and couldn't "live" her best life anymore and she suffered enough. My grandfather too, he suffered an insane amount battling cancer in his last year or so. Granted, I miss the crap out of them and miss their voices but I'm at peace knowing they are safe, pain free, and watching over me and my growing clan. Furthermore, I needed to let go of any pain I may have incurred in the past couple of years in able to be the best version of myself. Once I realized this, I became free. I challenge you to do the same if you too are suffering from life's grand tornado. Thanks for reading.

xxo. Stephanie B.