trauma bond. it’s a thing.

Hey there fam! Sooooo this topic is a bit heavy so bear with me here. My hopes are to help, inform, relate, and maybe give advice from my experience and personal journey on recovery from narcissist abuse. Let me start off by asking this question. Have you ever had difficulty leaving someone who was clearly toxic for you? Or distance yourself? Whether it be someone you were dating? Married? Parent? Caregiver? Or Friend? Well, let me tell you, you’re not alone if your answer is yes. In a way, I have had difficulty separating myself from someone who should be a person to rely on. Unfortunately, Ive had a couple people in my life who I’ve experienced a lot of trauma and misery with. (HAD past tense.) BUT I don’t really want to get into all that mess! If you wish to know more about my trauma related relationships see previous blog post! Now, let me explain to those who don’t know anything about trauma bond and how insanely real it is.

Trauma bond is simply emotional abuse often confused for love and is easy to overlook. For instance, the abusers are often very charming and overly confident and very pleased with themselves. In addition, they often put on a masquerade as someone who’s actually caring for you. TB often refers to an attachment bond created through repeated abuse either in childhood experiences or in other relationships. Most victims internalize which in turn creates codependency. In my situations, this in particular, made me feel like I was constantly not good enough, I suffered from constant self doubt, I couldn’t do anything right, and I was nothing without this person(s). (I’m not quite over that part yet and am still in recovery.) Therefore, majority of the time the abuser will justify their actions which in turn causes the victim to blame themselves. The victim usually stays in the relationship or keeps in contact with the toxic human due to fear of abandonment BECAUSE they feel like they’re not good enough. They’ve been broken down emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. You see the cycle yet?? Another thing to keep in mind is, people bond over many things; for instance, having kids, going on vacations, eating together, sleeping together, stressful situations etc. not all bonding is positive. And sometimes the trauma bond or negative bond is harder to break away from because of the intensity and non stop roller coaster or “love bombing” which follows every negative event. (My childhood and adolescent years were like riding ghost rider the rollercoaster. It was such a bumpy ride.) On the contrary, my childhood wasn’t all bad with this person, we did have some good times and I was blessed in some ways. Yet, I will never know if any of that was genuine or if it was indeed part of the “love bombing” process. To put this simply, Love bombing simply means, the abuser makes up for their “abuse” with buying you things or doing something insanely nice for you which causing such confusion yet you’re blinded all at the same time. In my experiences the people who took advantage or abused me were one or two of these types of narcissists. According to the DSM-IV (1) which is the psychology bible. I’ll briefly cover all 6 types of narcissists. 1.) Covert narcs - are people who may not be very obvious. They may be shy or anxious. They tend to be master manipulators, selfish, and have a grandiose sense of self. 2.) boomerang narcissist - is someone who doesn’t have much to offer their partner yet the codependency allows the narc to come back and forth. These ones usually have multiple partners. 3.) cerebral narcissist - is someone who thinks they are superior and better than. They tend to put down others who they feel are not as good as they are. 4.) somatic narcissist - is usually consumed by their appearance and beauty. They live at the gym. They thrive on others constantly recognizing their appearance. They often have many sexual conquests. 5.) overt narcissist - are usually controlling, always right, have major expectations, major egos and have zero guilt and no remorse. (I know a few people just this.) 6.) parasitic narcissist - exhibit all traits in the DSM-IV but wants to be taken care of and feeds off the host (significant other mostly or closest person to them) this type hardly ever wants any responsibility. They need a partner who will be the bread winner.

Wow. Whew! That was a lot! I know. I needed to explain them though for you to better understand. And to understand how psychologically fucked up it is to live with someone like that and how difficult it is to have a any type of a healthy relationship with.

If you are like me and have fallen victim to someone like this, get out! I do not care what you have to do. Or if you know someone like this or know someone who is going through this kind of situation. Pass along this information. Please. And the best thing you can do for this person, is support them and be there for them. I can’t tell you how much I needed my friends during the thick of it all. You know who you are. Secondly, if you cannot get away because the abuser is dangerous or is your parent and you are underage, or just stuck, just know the vicious cycle it is not your fault or your problem. Thirdly, find help, support groups, journaling and/or therapy! (There are plenty of support groups on Facebook.) All of these saved me. Please remember, true love and care for someone should not have you feeling empty, drained, low self esteem, low self worth or mentally and emotionally exhausted and/or depressed. True love means you feel loved while expressing yourself, loving yourself, and finding yourself. True love is unconditional. True love doesn’t have you second guessing where you stand all the damn time. True love in any relationship shouldn’t cause you pain. Also, You shouldn’t feel the need to search for love to be okay with yourself.

Major key: let go of trying to fix, heal, or change the abusers behavior. Move on with your darn life! You deserve way more and you have to love yourself first. In like manner, let go of waiting for the narcissist to change, care, love, or admit to anything they may have done. KNOW THIS///they are 100% unable to do any of those things if indeed they are any one of those narc types listed above. I’ve done enough research and spent my childhood and adolescence trying to have a relationship with my father and praying he would change. And praying he would accept me for me. Never happened and still hasn’t happened. All research, experience, and trauma has taught me he will never ever be different. And I am finally ok with that. ;)

I hope this wasn’t too grueling or snoozy for y’all. I hope you may have learned something or may be able to help your self or one of your loved ones 🖤 please share.

xxo Steph

some books and social media pages I recommend…

Goddess Warrior Training by HeatherAsh Amara (this book is for women obviously and doesn’t focus on narcissism. It’s about how to embrace the warrior you truly are. And helps you build confidence.)

Empath A complete guide for developing your gift and finding your sense of self by Judy Dyer

Gena De Silva PhD on Instagram. Her page is worth following. Her focus is how to recover from the abuse.

She also has an Ebook called Sleeping with a Spider, Available on her page.

1) DSM-IV is where I initially learned most of the characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder.

psychcentral.com I received a lot of helpful information as well.