for show

I never really sat down and thought about how my upbringing would effect my relationships and the choices surrounding them. I mean, I knew it would, I just didn’t sit around thinking about it. I am currently 33 and I’m really starting to figure that out. In a previous post I talked about how my parents split up and how angry I kind of was with my dad for his decisions. Well, this all ties together now. Furthermore, he’s a true narcissist so let’s get that out of the way right now. Which explains why I chose those type of men to date in my past. (We’ll get back to that.) I never really paid attention to how my father treated me while growing up or even in my early adulthood years. I just thought he was a dick. For instance, He would always dismiss me when I would speak, which totally explains why I’m so passionate when speaking at times. When I feel like I’m not heard, my passion is mistaken for aggression or defensiveness. (The sooner anyone figures that out about me the better it is for everyone lol.) Another thing, he would put on a big show for everyone at get-togethers but then would hardly to speak to any of us at home when we were all alone. It’s almost as if he was the main event and a total show off in front of guests. My father would also always complain about not connecting with me. Which is fucking ironic. Why would I want to? He wasn’t a safe place for me to go to. He made that clear. My father would also do really generous things for us and then use them against us. (By us I mean, my mother and sister.) In addition to having a father like that, I ended up with an ex just like him. Go figure huh? The ex was a bit different though; extremely manipulative, a liar, sneaky, would never allow me to have privacy, alienated me from friends and family, extremely controlling with my phone, people I talked to, and where I went. He was very judgmental as well. The list goes on and on. He’s an ex for a reason. I’m glad he’s back there. With that being said, all of those types of personality characteristics and flaws have molded me in a way. I’ve blocked some out, dealt with some issues and am still struggling with the rest. Being the empath I am, made it harder for me. When I left him a few years back, I wasn’t completely Stephanie anymore. I was a shell. I had no clue who I was. It’s crazy to me how fucked up I was psychologically, my spirit crushed, and soul utterly destroyed. I Was exhausted. On the contrary, I’ve made one hell of a comeback from all of that pain, anxiety, depression, ptsd and drama. I’m not 100% yet, and still have some left over trauma to be dealt with. On the other hand, i’m a Fucking fighter and I understand that my past has made me struggle in ways unimaginable. Equally important are the things I’ve learned. Firstly, is to speak up and use the god given voice I have. Secondly, I’ve learned to set boundaries with people early on. Lastly, remind myself that not everyone is going to hurt me like they did. My goal is to become more self aware and conscious about my surroundings and to live in the present.
xxo TIL next time….if you’ve been in my shoes I’m here for you.