divide

Thoughts of today are wild, borderline insane.

Feelings of yesterday have diminished and continue to fade.

Plans for tomorrow will yield any visions of prior liking.

The winds bring change and a god given fucking sigh of relief.

Up ahead I see colors of purple and teal, maybe even yellow…

But in this moment, I see blood, red.

The dread of such a haunting presence, lurking, hovering, towering…heavy like a dark cloud, forces me into fear and doubt.

I must get out.

March 2015.

Before leaving toxicity.

a word with my inner kid

What I wish I would’ve heard as a child after losing my dad…kids who experience abandonment and death are different. Not a flex, I promise.

What he did was not your fault. What he didn’t do had nothing to do with you. The demons were his. And his alone.

He did love you. He’s with you now and watches over you.

He didn’t choose drugs or alcohol over you. The disease of alcoholism was all consuming.

You will see life differently and you will look at the world in a harsh light. Remember that you are not alone.

You may feel abandoned more often than not. Be weary of people around you and guard your heart. Don’t take just anyone’s hand who offers it.

Feel your feelings. They are yours and important. Speak about them. Continue to write about them. You’ll go far.

You are whole and loved by so many. You do not need anyone to tell you that to validate your existence.

You are an emotional empath who will need to shield yourself from others energy at times.

This life is an experience. Learn as you go. Love hard regardless of the hurt you may experience.

You can’t save every unhealed broken man or woman. They are not your dad.

Ablaze

you see me standing here

eyes lit like a torch.

Teeth showing, lips curled

Head slightly on a tilt

Palms radiating icy hot flames

as if I throw fire for fun.

Filled with rage, head to tippy toes.

Go ahead hot shot

Douse me with lighter fluid

Set me on fire again

I’ll take you with me next time

Not a threat but a promise.

Doubt me? Light the match fool

A shrug of the shoulders.

Let’s see how this goes.

You call me names,

push all my buttons for sport.

sticks and stones love

a wench? Who? Little old Me?

I speak my mind, I bite back

You say so, Therefore I am, an ugly wench

in those blind eyes of yours.

That’s rich, coming from a little bitch

Like you.

*Dark laughter erupts from my mouth,

warm like blood, bitter like your soul*

the satisfaction you seek

Will never be attained

breaking me in pieces is your wish

Don’t make me laugh

Ive been fractured, never obliterated

I keep coming back,

as if I enjoy this

Proving you wrong, time after time

bit by bit

I rise from the dead as if these bruises and wounds don’t hurt.

I set you ablaze just to watch you burn 🔥

A daughter scorned

As I watch you from afar

creating something new

yet awfully familiar

I pity you to be honest.

Does she even know?

She’s the third?

Luckily this will be the last.

They will never know the betrayal as I do

Last time I checked,

you don’t quit being a parent.

a lifelong commitment I thought.

Sign the dotted line.

Could have fooled me though I guess huh?

I pity the man you have become.

Way to go on becoming a statistic.

The audacity is comical

You send us your pathetic TikTok’s

only viral thing about you is your toxic ways

You are like a disease, relentless.

Can’t be cured.

your unwillingness to see your own demise is such a shame.

Tisk tisk.

I hope people cringe when they see you in public.

Barf. Gag me with a spoon.

Third times the charm, I see

This will be the final time

I write about you

I can promise you that

Healing looks way too good on me

You no longer hold weight over my head

Like some ransom

Finally free of the shame you

Ever so deeply ingrained into my soul

Thank you for the freedom

I am no longer one of your pawns

In your forever game of chess

Repeat offender 3/29/24

I wrote this with a smile on my face. I have found such relief in writing this type of  honesty over the years and I find it freeing to express myself in the ways he never celebrated. To all the fathers out there, don’t hurt and don’t leave your daughters even when they are all grown up.

I am a Storm

There is no doubt in my mind

what angers me

In this world,

Will be heard by many...

I am nothing but a storm

A necessary one.

Who rolls like thunder

When full of rage, passion, and intensity.

I strike simply at the electric

opportunity just to watch the fire,

crackle, pop, and sizzle.

Just for fun and amusement

what is life, without a little chaos?

Some love me for my

sharp tongue full of wit,

others wish to destroy me,

when I simply speak in opposition

or on things they’re afraid of

admitting to themselves.

I stand tall, regardless

because I speak with conviction.

The truth is what I speak,

I only wish the same for you.

Such fools,

Fools...I tell you

I am a storm,

a necessary one.

Some wish ill will,

as if to have the evil eye

engraved on me like a brand.

Tisk, tisk sweet bitterness, what a disease.

Fools forget, I am protected

and shielded from those

who don’t have heart.

I shall reveal my wrath,

to those foolish enough

Of course...

...

 I am a storm,

a necessary one.

I am not meant to sit 

In the back of any room

And remain quiet.

I have a story to tell,

many things to do.

You cannot silence thunder.

(read that again.)

If there is a battle to conquer

a race to win,

or a fight to be had,

I am on the front line.

Ready for war.

I walk with the gods

A warrior, a healer, and nurturing soul

I am nothing but a storm ☔️ 

2021 Written at a time where I finally found my voice.

Depth

O’ The face of darkness, I have seen

The Angel of light, I drank from

Just out here living like a fiend

There is duality in it all

I suppose I Fell victim to poison,

I am just a human, after all

I thought I had wings

Looks like I fell, deeply

I even wanted to end things for good

But I am here for the glimmers of light

they shine bright as I stood.

Never fear she says…

In the wake of each day, blank stares into the void, can’t do this anymore, I declared.

I used to find depth even in the shallow places

Save it, Keep your judgements to yourself

You’re not meant to save face

Don’t do me any favors, that’s my job

We are all faulty and blame ourselves

I think I’ll just call my losses and sob

Damn.

Depth. 11/27/22

I wrote this shortly after getting sober in regards to my unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Good riddance.

Untitled

Chapters end, pages always turn

Honestly, we need to talk about it more

the oceans water never stop a churn -

In my minds eye

I picture that felon set aflame

yet i am the villain in her story

face to face she took the blame

Burnt bridges turn to ash

Friendship lost, nothin is left

No need to make a splash

Every story has an end

never thought I’d be as strong

& on the mend

“Untitled” 11/27/22

Written about the death of a friendship. ;)

i am her

A loud clank of metal jolts me awake,

as I open my eyes, I see

clouds open up like Valhalla

and light pours through

Illuminating the lands

the remnants, highlight what’s

left on the battlefield

such chaotic destruction, at rest.

What is left of me after all?

The blood stained tattered armor

spread across the fields

sprinkled all around in the tall grass

the sun highlights the wreckage

yet there is beauty in the decay

of what happened here today

What will I do now that I am stripped naked and left with nothing?

Walking through the wet soil

and firm grass

I am reminded, I have my own two feet,

my hands are weathered and stained but

they are still my hands

I am alive with the breath of life in my lungs

And a beating heart that yearns for wholeness.

the light almost hurts my skin

I have been in the darkest of places

for far too long

How did I get here?

I wander, traveling north.

I am a seeker, a seeker of shelter

I desire protection, yet

I am unsure what from.

These cuts on my body

burn so deeply

blood in my hair and on my hands.

blood soaks my clothing

Or what is left of it.

The pain I have endured is unimaginable,

relentless it seems.

“When will this end?” I plea, to whoever is listening, with burning tears running down my face.

As I continue to walk barefoot,

I glance upwards and see

animated puffy grey clouds.

A black mist appears above me,

It becomes a murder of crows.

Flying In spirals and in unison.

Cawing, growling, shrieking

it is as if they are guiding me.

they seem to have answered my question.

I find peace in trusting them,

I am no longer afraid.

“Guide me to safety,” I pray.

As I walk towards what sounds like running water

I am met with a warm energy

which surrounds my spirit

Is someone here?

I approach a babbling creek,

colorful cobblestones dancing under the water

I immerse myself, I take my time

feeling the stones one by one.

“Please mend my soul,” I manage to mutter.

As I wash my body free of the blood stains

the icy water pouring over me

takes the breath right out of my lungs.

I don’t care, I am alive.

I am alive.

I am alive, to tell the tails of my story.

Feelings of pain and sorrow

near eliminated.

Is this what sovereignty feels like once again?

I see an unknown figure in the distance

I am not afraid

The warmth around me,

it grows stronger.

a breathtaking storm of a goddess

wild copper hair, piercing hazel eyes,

a white, windy flow of a dress.

Otherworldly presence.

radiating light yet, a necessary darkness within.

Total duality in goddess form.

She kneels at the water,

she offers a gentle hand.

And helps with no hesitation.

I nearly collapse into her arms.

she holds me and hums a tune,

as she washes my wounds.

I feel so nurtured and accepted

As I gaze down and see

the river runs red,

with the demons of my past

being washed away,

ever so effortlessly…

I sigh heavily, my vision fuzzy,

only for a moment.

Swiftly snapped back to reality,

as the cold water rushes down my head

for the last time.

I realize I am alone.

I have been alone this whole time.

I am her…

The goddess who’s walked

a thousand miles.

I am her.

The goddess who healed,

healed these wounds

and washed my slate clean.

I am her.

The goddess who radiates light

yet darkness within.

I am her.

The goddess who battled her demons

and conquered.

I am her.

I have been resurrected

slowly becoming aware

the battles I had survived

are nothing but a bloody miracle.

The lessons were well learned.

The war is over.

My body is nearly restored

I feel new, in the same body.

a fresh chapter has been written

in my book of divine life.

The warmth of the sun heats my skin,

and in this moment, epiphany.

I am whole, I am her.

Forevermore.

I am her 10/23/2024